Flipping The Script

 Hi!

I don't post here as much as I mean to, and I'm sorry about that. I have a lot of big ideas, but my follow-through needs some serious work. Over the last few weeks I've been doing a lot of serious thinking, soul searching if you will, and I've come to a pretty stark conclusion: I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.

I know what you're thinking. "Welcome to the club, dumbass!". You're most definitely right, but please do hear me out.

When you were a young person, a child or even tween maybe, did you look at your parents and ever think to yourself "There's a person who has their shit together, absolutely and completely."? No? Neither did I, but also I never actually questioned how my father was doing as a person. I only ever just knew him as Dad, and Dad did all the things you(as a child) would think a responsible adult does. He drank his coffee, went to work, came home and made my older sister and me dinner, and then watched some T.V. before bed.  

All Dad stuff, right?

Never once did I ever consider how absolutely mentally taxing it must have been on him as a single parent with SERIOUS health issues. Not to mention I wasn't the easiest child to raise on his own. Sure, I wasn't going out and doing some of the dumb shit other kids my age were up to, but I had my own issues that I'm sure only added to the pile of stress my dad was already dealing with. I had problems in school, and life-long depression and anxiety were starting to show it's ugly fucking face, which I'm sure was frightening for him because my uncle went through the wringer with depression and anxiety and dad could do nothing but watch from the sidelines while my grandparents did their best with what was available to them(this was the 1960's by the way, and my uncle legit went through electroshock therapy to treat his depression and anxiety) in our little corner of the world.

So where am I going with this? Well, again, please hear me out.

I have a friend, a very good friend actually, and a while back I was bemoaning the idea of being stuck in life to her. I envisioned myself as an overly fat hampster doing my best to make the wheel go faster but ultimately failing in moving forward with my life, career, and dreams.

Now, my friend doesn't suffer fools and she will tell you so to your face, so naturally I got told. But it was how she explained it all to me that prompted me to spill my proverbial guts here and now. She said to me "Blake, you have to change your narrative. It's not about what's not happening in your life so much as it is what you're doing to make it better."

Holy. Fuck.

That. Those two simple sentences were enough to flabber my gasts and make me take a couple steps back and take a real long, hard look at myself and wonder: What am I doing to make it better?

Some of you, hell all of you, already know that I want to be a writer and I like to think I know a little bit about narrative. It's my pie-in-the-sky dream that I keep thinking will magically land in my lap along with money and significance one day, but that's not how it works, so I'm taking my very good friend's advice and changing flipping the script on my own narrative. 

Ready? I think I am, too.

Hi. I'm Blake. I'll be forty-two in September, and that no longer scares me. At my age, birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in the traditional sense because there's only so much room on a cake for all of those candles. However, birthdays should be a celebration of survival, and that's what I am: a survivor.

Hi. I'm Blake and I'm a survivor. I've lost my father, three grandparents, and more friends than I can count. I've survived mental, physical, and sexual abuse at the hands of those I loved.

Hi. I'm Blake and I dream of a life of significance. I work as a security guard now, but that won't always be the case. I'm going to school to get a professional certificate that will open a million doors for me, and I can't wait to start that adventure. 

Hi. I'm B.W. Lambert and I am a writer. You may not know my name now, but sometime soon you will, I promise you.

*deep breath*

So there it is in a nutshell. I'm a survivor and a writer. I want more out of life than I have now and I'm actively working on making that happen. That's my narrative.

Thank you, Katelyn, for verbally bonking me on the head and making me take a look at the reflection in the mirror. You are the star that shines brightest in my life.

 - BWL

Current Mood: Hopeful

Currently Reading: Horror Movie by Paul Tremblay

Currently Listening To: Sunspots by Nine Inch Nails